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Thursday, March 31, 2005
"I can't."
Swee Wei stood easy, his weight leaning back on his right foot, angled forty-five degrees from his front. His left feet was planted in front, for once not bare from knee down. Across his newly acquired nanyang uniform was his sling bag, dangling from right shoulder down, held constant by a steadying hand. His other hand clutched at a plastic bag, in it were his Catholic High uniform, changed out eagerly, and the spare set of Nanyang uniform he bought.
Clean-shaven and smiling, as usual, with cheeks tinged a slight shade of red from such a long time in the chilly library, Swee Wei glanced my way. His eyes, which shone with amusement, were thoughtful as he repeated his words.
"I can't. I can't really say it sucks... when I don't really feel that way."
I wanted to question him, I wanted to take him by his shoulders, and shake him. I felt frustrated. I felt... weird. Like something was missing, something wasn't right.
No, I didn't feel that way because we had just watched 5566's newest idol-series, Ge Dou, a show which belongs in a genre I detest. I didn't feel that way because I didn't accomplish much today. I didn't feel that way because I have PMS; I don't.
I don't know why I felt that way.
Maybe it was because I've finally met my new CT. Maybe it was because the cold hard reality, which I have been convincing myself I was ready for, finally smacked me square in the face, and found me unprepared. Maybe its because I feel I've let down my friends. Maybe its because I think I've been neglecting my friends. Maybe its because I feel sad that we're already beginning to split. Maybe its because... I miss you guys.
But do I? I want to say I do, I really want to. But can I? Like Swee Wei, I can't. Because I'm still hanging around you guys. I'm still with you guys, from dawn to dusk. From 6.00 am to 6.00 pm. I'm still laughing, still joking, still playing, still irritating, still messing around with you guys. I want to say I miss you guys. But I can't say it, because I still have you guys. Because I've never lost you.
I want to say, I need you guys, but I can't, because I still can live on without you all. Beacause I still can breathe, eat, sleep, shit and live, even though you guys may not be beside me.
I want to say, I want you guys with me, but I can't, because you guys already are. Because we still chat on the net, in school, because you are all with me, in my heart.
I want to say... I love you guys.
Shit.
I love you guys.
Runearay x 7:24 PM